I watched “The Road Warrior” last night, and my puppy fever has peaked. I want Mad Max’s dog.
I’m doing quite poorly on my 27th Year Resolution. It’s not SO bad, I suppose, but only if you consider having a down right drunken fit at 3AM, in front of this new boyfriend person I have in my life, not SO bad.
I think more than controlling how I react to things, I should just control what I think… I don’t mean that. I can’t do that anyway, but honestly, what person wants to see someone crying ever, and especially someone who has a really inappropriate sense of timing about when to have “talks”. (That someone is me, by the way)
Really, all this boils down to is that I have NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING. I also don’t have a lot of expectations, so that creates a lot of confusion for me. Should I be mad about that? Should I be cool about that? Is this normal? Too fast or too slow? I can’t claim to have been in a lot of relationships, and the ones I have been in where not normal. I have no context. I am not the kind of person, I am quickly realizing, that likes to feel out of her element. It’s not that I have to be in CONTROL, it’s just that I like to know all my options, and what I am working with, and feel 100% educated in the subject at hand.
I guess I am sort of a relationship dummy.
I don’t really look for advice, and I refuse to go to my girl friends for advice on important matters. I think a lot is lot to lack of communication already, in the modern world. I mean, no one even talks to eachother on the phone anymore. I am guilty of it too, being a huge fan of text over calling. But if there is an issue, maybe not even a “problem”, I really feel like bringing in a third party, and then a forth and a fifth, to try and predict what someone that they don’t even know is thinking, based solely on his gender, is a horrible idea. Horrible. I love my friends, and they are smart, experienced, well educated ladies, but just… no. That is how you start getting ideas that have no basis in reality. That is also how you loose the sacred communication in your relationship. I could theorize all day, with friends, about how my boyfriend is feeling, but at the end of that long day of getting myself worked up by creating false realities, the only person that can really tell me the truth is the man himself.
That’s all I care to know. In this context, it’s all that matters.
IMG_2600 on Flickr.
Mark and I watched WALL-E last night. It was the first time I had seen it. Needless to say, I’m in love… with the movie.
I’ve been uninsured for… way too long. Before I was, I was one of the millions of women on contraceptive pills, which as we know, are quite expensive to pay for out of pocket.
Now, the Pill not only helps those of us with sex lives avoid getting preggers, but also had many other positive benefits to me, such as regular periods, and clear skin. After I stopped the pill, my periods became insanely unpredictable. I don’t even have them every month, which sounds awesome, but IS NOT. IT IS MISERABLE. It makes me feel crazy. Try having PMS for a solid month. Ladies, please.
Also, I developed hormonal acne, which I never had as a teenager. When I am on the Pill, my skin looks amazing.
I think I just have a hormonal imbalance, and birth control sort of evened me out. I had gone off of it when I became uninsured and was no longer in a relationship.
Turns out, I could have been on it all this time. I had NO idea that the teal card that Planned Parenthood gives those of us without health insurance, covers 100% of the cost of your choice of name brand BC, at any pharmacy. I just walked away with 3 months worth, for $0.
How did I not know this? Seriously ladies, protect yourselves. You’ve got no excuse!
Uh oh, I missed the birthday post. Do I even have musings on turning 27? Of course. This last year has been full of life events and milestones.
My dad passed away in March. This was met with obvious sadness but also complex feelings. A larger sense of dread lends itself to the situation, considering he had an undiagnosed neurological disorder.
This sort of dread only makes me look towards the future more, as if I did not already have a huge problem failing to live in the moment. So, I’m trying to be better at that. Actively trying.
The weekend my dad died, I got into the DGA, almost 4 years to the day that I first started PAing. 36 hours later, I landed my first AD gig in Santa Fe, NM.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but also fun and equally rewarding.
But what the hell am I doing with my life? I came home, determined that I would be different than all my friends in the same career spot as me. But I’m not. Nearly 6 months of PAing again. I had resolved to moving to New Mexico. I was apartment hunting.
Life fucking happened. But in a good way. I met a smart, hilariously funny, dashingly handsome, man. He’s a good man. How often can you say that, in Los Angeles?
I feel sad that I don’t go into relationships the way I used to. I guard my heart in such an intense way that sometimes, I don’t even realize its what I am doing. Before, I felt weightless and free. Now, I have these moments of panic that I cannot describe.
There are so many things about my life that I convinced myself no one would put up with. More than anything, I guess I’m just afraid of being proven right.
So, I suppose that is my 27th year resolution. It’s not going to get easier, and the only thing I can control are my own actions. I need to take things day by day, and not let my rabid need for planning, or fear in general, take over my life. I need to live in this really awesome moment that happens to be my life, right now.
I need to take more deep breathes. I need to roll with it, just a little better. I need to stop clamming up and pushing down feelings when I feel like I don’t have the right to feel them! If that even makes sense…
Basically, I need to quiet my mind, and allow myself to hope for the possibility that I can have it all. Liz Lemon finally did it. So why can’t I?
Changing your facebook relationship status is hilarious, I have discovered today, for the very first time. Perhaps all of my “dating is for the birds!” and “love is for suckers!” rhetoric of the last three years really had my friends convinced.
So, as me and my new “boyfriend” (???!!!) lay in bed last night, we laughed at the idea, at our friends potential reactions.
But the dozen shocked comments on my wall were not what I was really expecting.
I suppose I was also disturbed at by how big the banner across my profile is. I feel like I took out a magazine ad or something. Social Media has definitely changed the way we live our lives, and I feel like it’s brought a little bit of the drama of high school to our adulthood. Ten years ago I would have had to call up the 400 people who know instantly of my status change, individually, to tell alert them that I am no longer single. What an absurd idea that is. But somehow it seems less absurd to everyone, when a huge announcement is splashed across the computer screens of quite a few people across the country.
It’s something to think about.
Now that this is nearing 100,000 notes, I need to clear something up:
The Venn Diagram of boys who don’t like smart girls and boys you shouldn’t date is NOT a circle.
The thing is, if it were a circle, this would mean that the set of “boys you don’t want to date” is exactly the same as the set of “boys who don’t like smart girls.” But in fact I can imagine many situations in which you might not want to date a boy who DOES like smart girls. Some of these boys might include:
* Boys you just don’t want to date.
* Your brother.
So in fact, the circle of boys you don’t want to date is larger than, but entirely includes, the circle of boys who don’t like smart girls.